For 38 years, I've lived off of nothing but pizza, tacos and Kraft Mac & Cheese. It's been glorious, but this year I decided it was high time I enter culinary adulthood and attempt to eat green leafy things, seafood things and hard to spell things like quinoa, which up until now I thought was a seafood thing. I'm documenting this ridiculous journey on Instagram @pleasesendqueso. If watching me gag while trying sushi sounds like fun, give me a follow.
When I was seven years old, my mom made shrimp sandwiches for dinner and I vomited after my first bite. I haven’t touched seafood since - until last night. My first foray into culinary adulthood started with calamari. It was a grand affair. The table was all set. I was surrounded by several loved ones cheering me on like a little baby struggling to take his first step. I picked up my piece of calamari and immediately thought, “Ooh, it’s like the mozzarella stick of the sea.” And then I took a bite. Friends, I’m starting to think this experiment was a big mistake. Or that I was born with a unique set of tastebuds that don’t process food like you normal folks. Or that maybe, having a coronary shutdown at 55 is a life well lived if it means I can continue to eat just pizza and queso. I don’t know. I’m still processing (and still chewing because I don’t want to swallow this rubbery sea creature). I’m not giving up yet, but I’m certainly asking for suggestions. It can’t get worse.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I ate the giant green artichoke
And that has made all the difference.
Just kidding. I ate the shit out of those bacon cheese fries. But I did in fact try the artichoke and while there wasn't a love connection, it made me realize that if I can pair all vegetables with bacon cheese fries, I just might come to love vegetables.